Baby Modeling

Most people have noticed. And I'm sure you have too. My kids are the most amazingly beautiful small persons on the planet. Seriously. People say to me allll the time. "You should get those kids into modeling."

Why are models always taking off their clothes?  I don't get it. And at such young ages too. sick.

And of course I always sign them up for every Gap Casting Call and Gerber's Most Beautiful baby and the high end retailers close by, such as Walmart and Kmart. They haven't had their big break yet. But we aren't really that into modeling as a full-time Toddler and Tiara profession yet.

It's difficult to be objective about your child's physical appearance when you are a parent. And everyone does have different taste. But in my very few limited years as a parent I think it's sweet and hilarious and sometimes a little obnoxious when people gush about their children's appearance to a wild extent. Especially when they are biological... I mean isn't it a little sort of vain or something. Maybe not. I don't know. But I do know that I am guilty of it. You see an ugly baby here and there and you decide that your child is a perfect image of what babies should look like. And then sometimes when they get bigger you see a picture and reality hits you hard.

Davy in a rosy light.

Mostly though, now that I am a parent and I realize how much you love love love your children. It's easy to see them in a rosy light. And who knows maybe your kid really truly is the epitome of beauty in tiny human form. They very well may be. But, they might also be kind of normal looking. So even though they are the most stunning creature to behold to you...  it's ok to keep that kind of thing to yourself.

And of course none of what I just said applies to my kids, because truly truly they are perfection.

Fried Plantains from Heaven

I am guessing no one told you this beautiful truth: Plantains are gifts from heaven. 

Do you like McDonald's french fries? Don't lie. Do you have a pan? Do you have salt? Do you have some oil?

Then go out and get yo-self a big banana looking plantain my friend and be happy because you know what? Betta than Mickie D's friedness is coming to your house.

Ingredients:

Plantain(s)

oil (coconut if your like your health.)

Salty

dip for your fries

Directions: 

Put a little oil in your pan. Enough for cover half a slice of plantain. Turn on your stovetop to high. When you think it may be hot enough....throw in a little plantain slice to see if it's hot enough. You will see frying and hear sizzling when it's go time.

Then throw in all the plantains if there is room. After they are a little golden (30 seconds-1 min. maybe) flip those suckers. Wait a few more precious seconds.

Take them out and dump salt on them. 

Dip them in ketchup and feel warm and happy.

They look like bananas, but taste like french fries. promise.

Stupid Things Parents Say

There is no reason to make eating scary.

Because I say stupid things all throughout the day...and have a difficult time recalling anything I say throughout the day, I will highlight another parental unit's obtuseness.

Daddy: Davy, you have to eat all your oatmeal.

Davy: Why Daddy?

Daddy: Because if you don't it will EAT YOU.

Davy Does Dinner

Sunday night dinna time...

Davy on Tabasco: Dad. If mommy and me eat that...Our mouths will like turn to burning and we will cry and cry all day.


Davy on the meal: Mom. You are the best cook in the whole world. You make delicious food. (what does she want?) And I REALLY REALLY like it when you make me coffee. (don't worry-it's dandyblend)

Davy on school: Can I go to school today? (No, it's Sunday) {confused}  Daddy? Did you work today? (yes) Then why can't I go to school?

Davy on dreams: Geeeee-ana....did you have a good nap? What did you dream about? Elmo? Elmo's dad? Liiiiiiions?


Davy on Tigers: Hey dad, if there was a tiger in this house, we could kill it, right?


Davy on Artichoke: [Spits it out.] I love artichoke!

Is Your Kid Normal?

Probably not. Especially if you are raising them.

 I feel like this mmmmmm. about every day.

Do all children do this? Does she have ADHD? Why won't she listen to me? Is she going to end up in jail because she can't obey any rules?

Is that what normal looks like? Time will tell....

And I think the answer to those questions are....Some. Maybe. It's you not her. Pray.

Anyway. I have devised this simple way of deciphering if my child is normal...It goes a-something like a-this.

Be honest with your answers:

In a public scenarios is your child
a) Screaming the loudest
b) Playing or reading quietly
c) Constantly hitting other children or hurting animals
d) Talking to themselves in high pitched voices

At dinner is your child
a) Eating with their mouth open while talking/spitting food
b) Using utensils and keeping bottoms on seat.
c) Playing with knives and throwing most/all food
d) Building elaborate food architecture

When you ask your child to come
a) They scream "WHY!?"
b) They drop what they are doing and come to you wide-eyed and ready for obedience
c) They run into the street.
d) They are so absorbed in play that they don't hear you call them.

When at the grocery store your child
a) Lays on the floor and pitches a fit after you accidentally walk down the toy aisle and refuse Disney propaganda.
b) Helps you put food in the cart and are excited to hold your hand.
c) Knocks over displays, opens and eats candy, and knocks over the elderly.
d) Gets lost.

Your bedtime routine
a) Catch the children, pin them down, remove dirt and clothes from flailing body, dress for bed, pry open mouths, brush teeth, read books, close the door and listen to the screams.
b) Start the peaceful expected bedtime routine. Bath. Brush teeth. Read stories. Tuck in. Silence.
c) Lock child in room and listen to furniture moved across floor and loud bangs.
d) Your child is desperately sure that their toothbrush is actually an antennae and likely reaching the extra terrestrial. Because of the seriousness of this matter, bedtime is obviously out of the question.

If you answered
Mostly As-Crazy child and/or alternative parenting style and/or Normal Child
Mostly Bs- Mild Mannered Child and/or Amazing Parenting style and/or You lucked out and/or Normal Child
Mostly Cs- Start saving for bail and/or Pray
Mostly Ds- Either a genius or a delinquent. It's a fine line.
A good mix. Let's hope it is for your sake.

The First Day of Preschool Saga: Part One-The Drop Off

Davy is 3 tiny years old. Which is reason enough for some to think/judge/wonder why oh why would you send that tiny baby away to a school? It's ok if you said it, you weren't the first.

Tis true. I'm a little bit of a bad mom.

But seriously. I thought, prayed, researched, and came to the conclusion that there was only one preschool that would be amazing for her in the whole world. And it was right by our house.

For safety purposes, I'm not going to divulge the school's name here. So the night before her big day, I laid out her clothes... on a chair in the kitchen because that is where everyone should get dressed in the morning. Then I set the kitchen table with bowls and place mats. It was super fancy for our house.

She was excited. I put her hair in piggy-tails, took a few pictures and then we were off. I was getting a little emotional on the way over. And not just because I was thinking about all the time I was going to have to clean up our breakfast mess with just one toddler in tow. I was also almost crying tears of joy at the thought of grocery shopping with one child. Kidding mostly.

We arrived at her school, parked in the mini parking lot and I took both girls out of their carseats and we slowly made our way to the front door of the school where the principal waits to personally say "Good Morning" to every student by name and shake their tiny hands. Precious. Davy was a champ. She gave him the dead fish and looked down as he tried to shake her limp hand. Don't worry I wasn't embarrassed.

Then we made our way down the ca-razy steep stair case. I can barely walk down it safely. And when you add two gumby children to that problem, it's a hazard to all in our path. And we are slow.

People were waiting. When we got downstairs we found Davy's hook, she hung up her adorable backpack. (I dodged an almost unavoidable princess backpack preoccupation and brainwashed my child with all things this.) Judge away. And complete with initials in turquoise. It's legit. I'm prettttty sure she doesn't care though and would have been fine with a Trader Joe's brown bag.

Anyyyway. When she saw her classroom, she walked right in and I had to stop her little body to even get a little hug goodbye. I'm sure she was just hiding all her emotion to help keep me strong. I was hoping the teachers would run over and console me with a hug and tell me that they were going to take very very good care of my precious baby. They didn't. So I left.

I trekked back up the mountainous staircase and sulked to the car. I was buckling Gianna in, as she repeated Davy's name over and over and over.

I knew this had put me over the edge. Gianna was already missing her. I prepared to lose it when I drove out of that parking lot.

I barely started the car and Gianna would not stop saying Davy's name. "DA-TY! DA-TY!" It was torture.

I turned to calm her down and noticed why she was such a wreck.

She was sitting in Davy's giant red carseat.

I looked around, got out of the car and hoped that no one noticed me moving my child from one carseat to another one because obviously I am insane.

And sorry so long for something so lame.

It's Home Day, Home Day, Gotta Get Down on Homeday

So the other day while eating breakfast at the kitchen table, Davy broke out into song. This is not unusual. But her rendition of this infamous tune gave me a good laugh. And sorry for the all caps. She was screaming.

IT'S HOME DAY HOME DAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON HOMEDAY!


EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND...HO-OME!


HOMEDAY HOMEDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON HOMEDAY.


EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND...HOME. 


PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YA!

Brought to you today by the letter X.

So sweet. Her Friday means home with the fam. I hope it stays that way. Like during high school and stuff. I'll remind her. Friday means homeday is coming.

I should never have left you.

Little bloggie blog.

After my little peace out to facebook, I kind of was afraid to come back to my computer. Addiction is serious yo.

Anywho. Some ca-razy things have been going on over here lately sans fbook and I will give each one their own amazing post. At a later date.

So gettttttttt ready for some...facebook withdrawals, preschool amazingness, marathoning wannabee, painting small persons and selling them, GAPS dieting, and UC (the disease, not University) can seriously bite me. Coming soon to a blog near you.

So. It's a little weird to get off invasive facebook, but then stay revealing all meaningless life details on waaaay more invasive bloggie blog. I have been pondering that fact as of late.

And I have come to the realization that blogging is kind of my sanity sometimes.

I don't know if you can see it...but her tongue is out. Most important part of good running form.

So here are 5 weird things going on over here today

1) I have been cooking a large bone of cow in my crock pot...for the last 36 hours. Just making some insane broth. It's normal. I feel like a scary witch.

2) Davy keeps calling Christopher and I by our first names exclusively. "Maween! Maweeeen!" Except she keeps calling him "Chwissss." And he hates it. It's hi.larious.

3) Gianna eats more than I do a day. And that is a terrific feat. And I just want to eat her up.

4) Our basement has a very small stream flowing across it from the dear rain.

5) I am looking for some free classes on "how to be a mom" because I don't know what I'm doing. at all.