Aug 24, 2011

Facebook: An Indefinite Goodbye

Dear Facebook,

I know we've been together for 6 years or so and have shared a lot with each other aaaand just about everyone else we could think of. You helped me connect with tons of people. And even some I really didn't remember ever being connected with in the first place. Most of the time I convinced myself that you were making my life better. And I loved all the picture posting, the tagging, the poking, the groups, the likes, the witty commenting. You really helped me reach some sort of social nirvana. I gave you so much. So much quality time. All intimate details of my life in the form of status updates, pictures, links to my personal blog. You have had so much of me. You promised to help me stay in contact with people, rekindle old friendships, and keep up with some of my nearest and dearest family. And really you did do a lot of that. So thanks.

Did you ever really love me like I loved you? Did you Fbook? Is it ok if I call you that?  I kind of feel like you ate a little of my soul. And I mean that in the worst way possible. But I guess I let you.

 You help people create these reality-TV-esque existences that paint our lives in a way that may or may not be reality. You are a like a vaccuum cleaner of time. Any time I have had here or there, you sucked right up into your hole of nothingness. How many hours have I wasted looking at pictures of people I don't even know or want to know? Ridiculousness. I get online to look something up or order a present and then I get up hours later with my hair disheveled, and my eyes glued open and end up having messed up dreams that night about weird people I saw in someone's SpringBreak 2011 in Budapest. Thanks a lot, Jerk.

You act like you are a friend, but you haven't really been there for me. You don't listen. And worst of all, when I am down and out, and I come to you, to help me feel better. You don't. You make things 1000x worse by parading every freaking other person I have ever known or met in my life in their happiest moments. Way to rub it in my face. Come on. Couldn't you be a little more, oh I don't know, real? You are a liar and I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

I want to look back on my life and remember the things I actually did. I don't want to look back and see all the crappiness that I didn't do, because I was too busy looking at pictures of other people doing things.

So thanks for all the time we've spent, but if I could take it all back. I think I would.

Mostly though, I hope you know, that it's not you. It's me. I'm the one with the problem. And the problem is that I just don't love you anymore.

I don't know how else to say this, except that I am sick of you and it's so over.

In case you couldn't tell, you just got dumped. But I'm sure you don't care and won't notice, because as we all know you get around. For reallll. You have over 750,000,000 human backup friends. And 50% of your peeps visit you every freaking day. You get play, and you get a lot of it. 700 billion minutes of all your girlfriend/boyfriend's time per month to be exact. You player.

I will might come crawling back sometime and I know life is going to be hard without you. I would be lying if I said I'm not afraid. But right now, I want you out bucko.

xoxo, De-friending you soon loser and excited to fade into internet oblivion soon,


A BIG P.S. I decided after much much deliberation to purge from Fbook and not sign on for a very long long time. It's all part of my 12 step FAA (Facebook Addicts Anonymous) program. No worries.

P.P.S. This is kind of a funny song...


  1. This is awesome and brilliant and a million other annoying positive adjectives!

    Major kudos - the pb and chocolate kind

  2. Good idea saying goodbye to fbook. It sucks your life away.

  3. You're cool and considering you'll be out of pocket for a while we should hang out soon.

  4. This is exactly what I have thought about recently! I have found myself getting down-in-the-dumps because I see other people on vacation, or getting flowers from their husband, or doing all sorts of other things. I've actually gotten MAD about it. It's nuts. Facebook and I have a love hate relationship too!

  5. well...i actually just sent you a facebook message a few hours ago but i now realize you will never ready it. good thing i read your blog and didn't think you were avoiding me! but basically it said we should hang out this week. so call meeeee :)


  6. Good for you! I have fantasized about deactivating my account, but I haven't worked up the nerve to do it yet. P.S. Am I the only one who finds it super ironic that there's a "Like" button on this page? It's like an invitation to an AA meeting with a BYOB line at the bottom. ;)


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