How to Potty Train: Scientifically

Sorry I've been slacking lately blogging...As usual I have great excuses reasons I could not blog.
-last minute video camera tour of my colon on Friday at the doctor.
-newbie cloth diapering with my favorite chubby baby, Gianna (Thank you Sarah K.)
-husband working late
-exhaustion
-read Eat, Pray, Love and it just made me realize I love to eat and led to
-me making and eating falafels with tzakiki sauce, Italian meatball soup, homemade peanut butter, and homemade strawberry sorbet, and probably other things...Oh yes and the remainder of the dairy free cupcakes from the birthday party Sunday are now gone. gone. gone. Thanks Anne S. for giving me multiple reasons I need to start running again asap. 

And now back to your regularly scheduled blogram...

Special shout out to Sarah S. for the advice on potty training.


Potty Training: A Scientific Method


Problem: My two year old pees and poops in her diaper and we're snowed in.


The hypothesis:
If child eats and drinks food while remaining on the potty, the child will eventually pee and/or poop in the potty. The child will continue, on own, to use the potty in a desperate pursuit of sugar and dancing. 

The materials:
a talkative diaper loving two-year old
pretzels of all shapes and sizes
apple juice with a new sippy cup
a pink potty
a tiny potty seat that sits on the potty
a step stool
pull ups
reward candy-smarties and dum dums
Computer or TV or DVD player
DVDs or youtube videos, like this elmo one

The Procedure:
1) Sit child in front of the electronic babysitter
2) Make sure she is pantless
3) Give child a bottomless bowl of pretzels
4) Give child ample apple juice
5) Dance and give child candy after doing business in the potty


Experiment Observations 
The two year old peed in the potty multiple times. There was even fecal material in the potty on one occasion. Mother and daughter participated in impromptu potty dances complete with flailing limbs and awkward half jumps after the deed was done. Simultaneously, songs were sung that may have included but were not limited to these lyrics, "You went pee pee in the potty/ you went pee pee in the potty/ you didn't go on the floor/ cause that would be naughty/ you don't need your diapers no more/ you don't go on the floor." This was followed by unrestrained ingestion of sugar by Mother and daughter.
The daughter peed in various other locations around the home throughout the day. In her bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, you get the point. All over. She begged for her diaper. Mother refused and forced her to carry on.  Finally dinner arrived and Mother was exhausted and found out that her partner in crime, aka hubster, would be coming home super late. So she let the two year old child eat dinner pantless because, why not? I'll tell you why not. Mid-dinner, something arrived at the dinner table that no one ordered. Poop on the chair.

I'm not wearing any pants and I'm about to leave you a present you won't want.

 Conclusion
 Wear pants at the dinner table.

*Unexpected Results
 Potty training was harder on this Mother than initially anticipated. Next time buy more candy. You never know when a snow storm or a Mother is arriving on the scene. Between each fecal spill I drowned my anxiety in dum dums and smarties, as a coping mechanism. Next time invest in some intensive care lotion. That way you can try to revive your poor chapped hands from the sorry state they have fallen to while using harsh disinfectants and desperately attempting to prevent feces and urine from infecting family members. Which you failed at, by the way, Gianna was crawling in pee on the floor that did not belong to her.