Yeah. I said it.
You think I'm crazy because grocery shopping WITH them is sort of like bathing in invisible lava while all of your frenemies gloat at your twitching and yelling. (Promise no more analogies, and no more chocolate covered espresso beans after dark.)
But tonight I went out. With coupons. And a legit list. Sans kiddos.
And tonight I was slammed with the very very unfortunate reality that I actually still suck at grocery shopping even though no one distracted me physically.
This is what did distract me.....
Someone glanced at me in a friendly, nonthreatening way near the raw chicken, as if I was normal. It completely weirded me out for two reasons. Firstly, I am def. not normal. And secondly, I was alarmed that I felt like I needed to communicate to this stranger, "I'm a motha, yo. You don't knooow me."
And mister raw chicken aisle smiler, if my three extra appendages were here, you would only look in my general direction to count to three, because when they flail, they seem to multiply.
Then you might think, hmmmm, they all look awfully little, maybe I should ask that woman if she plans to make more of them or show her how witty I am with a joke alluding to her obvious ignorance of birth control.
Besides my very awkward offense at stranger smiles, I was a little irritated that when I got home and saw all the extra non-list items I had thrown in the cart, I couldn't tell myself that it was alrightbecausethekidswerecrazyandyoujusthavetothrowstuffinthecartandgetthehellodollyoutofthere.
And if you read that ridic runon sentence, you win a grocery trip alone that somehow makes you miss your kids.
You think I'm crazy because grocery shopping WITH them is sort of like bathing in invisible lava while all of your frenemies gloat at your twitching and yelling. (Promise no more analogies, and no more chocolate covered espresso beans after dark.)
But tonight I went out. With coupons. And a legit list. Sans kiddos.
And tonight I was slammed with the very very unfortunate reality that I actually still suck at grocery shopping even though no one distracted me physically.
This is what did distract me.....
Someone glanced at me in a friendly, nonthreatening way near the raw chicken, as if I was normal. It completely weirded me out for two reasons. Firstly, I am def. not normal. And secondly, I was alarmed that I felt like I needed to communicate to this stranger, "I'm a motha, yo. You don't knooow me."
And mister raw chicken aisle smiler, if my three extra appendages were here, you would only look in my general direction to count to three, because when they flail, they seem to multiply.
Then you might think, hmmmm, they all look awfully little, maybe I should ask that woman if she plans to make more of them or show her how witty I am with a joke alluding to her obvious ignorance of birth control.
Besides my very awkward offense at stranger smiles, I was a little irritated that when I got home and saw all the extra non-list items I had thrown in the cart, I couldn't tell myself that it was alrightbecausethekidswerecrazyandyoujusthavetothrowstuffinthecartandgetthehellodollyoutofthere.
And if you read that ridic runon sentence, you win a grocery trip alone that somehow makes you miss your kids.
 |
| orrrr reward yourself with some coffee medicine+your child appendages. goodtimes. |
So true! Katie and I always talk about how we are so used to having our kids with us in social situations we can't function normally or relate normally to people without at least one kid shield on us now. Ha ha
ReplyDeleteBahahaha alrightbecausethekidswerecrazyandyoujusthavetothrowstuffinthecartandgetthehellodollyoutofthere this, yes, I have done this.
ReplyDeleteSo ironic and so true.
This is so true and so funny! My littles just started preschool and Mother's Day Out two mornings a week so I've had a chance to go to the store without them. I still suck at grocery shopping without them, too! I don't think I miss them, but it is too quiet without them. Wait? No one is screaming in the middle of the freezer aisle? Something's not right.
ReplyDeleteNew here! And looking forward to more!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the laugh--and the validation that I'm not the only one who has delusions that every male being in the store must be checking me out if I'm alone, so I have to frantically brandish my wedding ring like a sword atop the cart handle for all to see. Or strategically place the diapers and wipes on top of everything else so that my sole identity as Mother Of Three cannot be mistaken by anyone. You're right, I've earned my grocery-store-with-wild-banshees-stripes, and it's somehow easy to miss them when they're not knocking cans off of the shelves...