A College for Elephants

Yesterday

Davy says to me out of the blue with a purse in her hand: "Mommy, I'm going to college."

"Oh really? What are you going to do there?"

"Uh, be an elephant. Because I really need to walk like an elephant."

Ok sweetie. I guess it makes sense. When your Daddy was little he wanted to be a giraffe when he grew up and you are going the elephant route. Precious weird child.

then Today

I told Davy, "We are going to meet Aunt Lizzie to look at her wedding veil so please put your shoes on as I change Gianna's diaper."

"Ok Mommy." She seemed so confident. So capable.

I walked into her little bedroom to a completely naked child with pink slippers on her hands.

"Davy! What are you doing?"

"Umm walking like an elephant. I need to Mommy."

Apparently to walk like an elephant you must be naked and have pink slipper hands. This was odd because usually she puts pink boots on her hands and feet to be an elephant but today I think she had a realization that they are indeed naked. I think you can skip elephant college darling. You seem to have it all figured out.

Today's craziness was brought you by: Davy talking to her excrement in the toilet, the naked elephant child incident and the giant cookie cake she tossed on the ground at Kroger.

Or maybe the excited shrieks at the bridal store when she saw Belle's dress, Sleeping Beauty's dress and Cinderella's dress all under one roof. I had to drag her out when she found out she couldn't take a dress home.

And Happy Birthday Magdalena!

You Might be a Mom: The Quiz

(3 points)    If you've cleaned poop out of a bathtub.
(1 point)      If you've smell-checked clothes to play "to wash or not."
(2 points)    Cheerios exploding under your feet. all. the. time.  
(3 points)    You've wiped snot with something other than a tissue.
(3 points)    You've been peed on.A
                   You've teared up in joy over...
(3 points)         a poo success in the potty
(1 point)          an "I love you" from a tiny human
(2 points)         watching your child or 2+ play in peace
(1 point)     You've played name that smell as you walk into a room.
(3 points)    Going to the bathroom alone feels like a mini vacation.
(1 point)     Your heart is three times the size it used to be and/or other bodily things are too.
(2 points)    You've gone toilet bowl fishing against your will for drowned household objects.
(3 points)      You've eaten food off someone's face.  
(2 points)    Cleaning alone is enjoyable. 
(3 points)    Tiny eyes copying your every move help you be more like the person you wish you were.
+_______


25-30+ I think it's safe to say- bravo my friend, you are one awesome mama. Or maybe a sweet dad. Or a kick @ss nanny.

19-25 You are either a mom with sanitation boundaries (good for you). Maybe a newbie mom. Or maybe 
a college student or bachelor/ette with no sanitation boundaries. If you are not a mom, you are well on your way with such great preparation.

13-18 You like to babysit, but aren't sure if you are ready to be a parent because of the disgustingness. Fret not. No one is. You are still very maternal or paternal.

0-13 You've done a few gross things but mainly for puppies. It's ok. Puppies and children have some similarities in the potty training department. Except at about age 18 when all dogs go to heaven, all most children eventually move out.

5 Reasons to Hold Off Potty Training

1. What is it with public restrooms becoming new and exciting territory for exploration? Everywhere we go, she asks immediately if they have a potty. So we run in, do the potty dance and she's usually just bluffing. "Mommy! Is that a little chair? Is that a tiny garbage can? What color is their soap? I just threw up in my mouth. "Mommy! I put germs on this potty!" That's delightful dear. I hope your germs can kill the monster germs already on the pee covered public potty.
 
2. Ummm I know that for me the possibility of a future without wiping feces off tiny hineys was a driving force in the potty training quest at our house. Newsflash: Toddlers cannot remove poop in a satisfactory way from their behinds. You will still have to do that for them. And if you decide that you think they can...prepare yourself for a child that smells like the zoo and itches themselves in the worst way possible. I've seen it in real life. Don't let that be your child.

3. Toilet paper waste and clogs. And or things related or unrelated to toilet paper. A few days ago when Daddy was on duty...he informed me that Davy had put a PAPER towel roll on the toilet paper roll. Paper towels kill to 73 year old plumbing in homes. So thankfully my husband saved our old pipes from certain death by toilet bowl fishing them out after Davy threw in half a roll.

4. Dirty clothes. Even if your child never has an accident. If they are a girl child and happen to have a tiny behind, they might
a) fall in the potty completely
b) pee on themselves while on the toilet, especially if they are boycotting their little detachable seat. (I know it sounds crazy, but we are at 50/50 at our house, pee on pants/ dry pants after going #1.)
c) have a straight up accident
d) realize that pulling their pants up and down to use the restroom is fun. And they might exercise this new hobby by changing their outfits several times everyday.

5. Dry, chapped, crackly hands. Some kids love to wash their hands. Some not so much. Either way, they will probably be doing it a lot more than they used to pre-potty training. And dry winter air+ residual soap on hands because of ineffective toddler rinsing=may result in some old woman hands on your toddler. Sad, but true.

So make sure your child never learns to use the bathroom or you will be doomed. forever. 

Ok just kidding. Having a child that is potty trained, even just a little bit is a million times nicer than stinky diapers in your house and being a slave to purchasing Pamper products. In my little opinion.